APortaMan

Cooking Splendor

2011-03-26T09:21:00.000-07:00

I've discovered a new website with fantastic recipes and awesome photography:

www.pipandebby.com

Duke and I share a moment

2010-09-15T17:17:00.001-07:00

Smart Boy

2009-12-02T04:42:00.000-08:00

Already knows how to disguise himself and lure his prey in for the kill! Natural hunter.

Beware

2009-11-12T14:04:00.001-08:00

Acceptable Facial Hair Styles

2009-04-29T13:10:00.001-07:00

Sobering

2009-03-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

Matthew 7:13-14
"Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it.
For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it."

I interpret that to mean that most people are heading to hell and the minority ("few") are on their way to Heaven. When you think about this passage for awhile it's difficult not to fully examine your life and personal relationship with Christ, as well as have a renewed passion to be an effective witness for Christ in the lives of the lost around you.

The Beauty of Aging

2009-02-17T05:25:00.000-08:00

Getting old is something that should be embraced and welcomed. The older we get the more time we have to stop thinking and acting like idiots as we hopefully mature and gain some proper perspective on life. Christians, even more so, should look forward to aging since it means getting closer to leaving this place (dying) and going to live eternally with God in Heaven on a new earth.

For theDan aging has involved slow maturation (very slow at times), realization that the body does need to be stretched out, a sore hip, a wonderful wife and child, an increasing desire to focus all energy on things that have value/meaning, a decreasing desire to stay up past 9:30, and a greater appreciation for the things that I have been blessed with.
I must thank my father for one of those blessings that is at this moment enriching my life, that's right the Porta 3B (Big, Bold, Beautiful) Hair. One could spend an hour staring at the hair of Chuck, marveling at how it stays so poofy and it would not be a wasted hour.

Words cannot do it justice. Below are pictures...experiences that are my attempt to honor theChuck. His example is one of living the gift and I can only hope to leave the same legacy for my son. As you take in and digest the Porta 3B Hair, think of your own aging and the gifts that you have been given and thank the people responsible.

Note: No hair product was/ever is used, the Porta 3B rejects product.

I wear the hair and pants of Chuck.

Thank you Dad, thank you!

A New Year

2009-01-30T07:16:00.000-08:00

My blog silence has caused too much damage (ie. the current economic crisis), I have left you (the world) on your own for too long and it is time for me to come back and help you. I was hoping that with a little tough love I might be able to encourage you to fly on your own. So I pushed you out of the nest (by not blogging and feeding your knowledge starved minds) only to watch you fall straight to the ground, you were not ready. This year I plan to blog at least twice a month so you can come to the fountain of reason and truth and begin to get back on your feet. As usual my blogs will be insightful, soaked in logic and life altering. I will also occasionally throw in a lighter blog that will be as the life sustaining morning dew in the desert of your life.

Before I go and leave you to enjoy the excitement of my return I give you this list of Horrible Ideas, may you avoid them and rebuke those who partake in them:

HORRIBLE IDEAS

- dating (you should only be involved in courtships where the intent is to discover a spouse, nothing good comes from dating, the whole "you learn about relationships when you date" is crap)

- teaching your kids witchcraft (ie. letting them read Harry Potter or play with large cauldrons and dead animals)

- not ruling your emotions with the firm hand of logic

- PETA or any "save the animals/stop animal abuse/etc" type association (come on, people are homeless, starving and dying all over the world and you're gonna come on TV and tell me to give you $$$ because you found poor Rex in a garbage can!)

- valuing open-mindedness over truth (sorry but there is black and white and right and wrong in a lot of situations, it's good to be closed-minded in those instances)

- altering Chipotle and Chinese take-out for more than 2 meals in a row

- junior high and high school dances (at best they don't cause immorality but nothing good can or will ever come from them...unless your a fan of forming useless relationships, premarital sex and teenage pregnancy)

- challenging Jason Hetland to a Flex-Off

- filming an epic snow football match on a device that is not compatible with the average computer thus hindering the world from viewing the amazing footage

- insulting any member of my family

- getting upset over who's elected to the Presidency, doesn't matter who's there, God is still God

- being serious all the time

- thinking I'm wrong about any of the aforementioned items

Digest what I have given, I shall be back soon with more.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

2008-12-29T12:49:00.001-08:00

From: Me
To: You

Enjoy!

Teh Groove

2008-10-08T09:58:00.000-07:00

I'm a day late but I must extend a "Happy Birthday" to Jesse Gavin (aka. the Groove, teh Groove, GavJess, GrooveNasty, JGav, Groovin'). The man is now 30 and I can say that I've known him all 30 years. He's a skilled guitarist, enjoys softball and whitty banter, reads Harry Potter (sadly), lived as a vampire for a few years, appreciates a good man-cuddle and could make even the most depressed person laugh out loud.

Happy Bday Groove.

Here's a pic taken right before we went into the wilderness to live off the land and kill a bear using a rock thus becoming men...I'm the stylish one with the colored socks.

Beware the FALL BEAST

2008-09-17T15:46:00.000-07:00

I must first apologize for my lack of frequent posting as of late, it is not fair for me to leave you wandering in the dark for so long.

I come back to you now with an urgent warning. As the seasons change and we head deeper into fall you must be aware of a rare Beast who only rears his ugly head during this time of year. The creature is indeed here all year round but can only be seen when the leaves change, at which time he occasionally comes out of hiding to attack the unsuspecting. If you hear strange rustling of leaves and gentle growls run, run and for the love of all that's good and right Don't Look Back! If you see him, it's probably too late, you'll be frozen with shock at his grizzly grotesqueness and you're well being will be in his hands. If you can somehow recover from the sight of his awesome beastliness you may have time to try to play dead and hope he leaves you alone. Avoidance, however, is the only sure way to get through this fall without being scarred by the beast. Walk quickly from your cars to your homes and try to stay away from large leaf piles.

I've included a picture below, taken several years ago, the last time the beast was seen by a living person. Sadly that person has still not recovered, beware of letting children see the following and don't look for too long, even in photos the eyes of the FALL BEAST are piercing:

The Woods, Part I of LVII (aka. 57)

2008-07-02T07:18:00.000-07:00

Ahh the Woods, being "up North" away from the city is a most excellent experience. There are so many good things about being amongst the trees it can be hard to know where to start the appreciating. Luckily for you, I am here to help and to give written expression for your feelings. In this ongoing series of posts I will go through just 57 (to keep it reasonable) of the core "Joys of the Woods" so that you can appreciate your outdoor experiences more specifically. As you read this series (each part will be short and sweet so you can take it all in) you will be able to put into words your feelings and you'll know Why you like the woods so much, and therefore be able to enjoy them even more. I know I know, you are welcome.

Side Note: If you do not enjoy the woods and/or nature at all you are lying to yourself and are probably unhappy in general for neglecting the God-created natural earth.

On to Part I, which I shall call "Potty in the Woods."

True Story: I'm walking through the woods, just my rifle, my whit and the trees when I feel a familiar urge to release bodily waste. For a brief instant my city damaged mind begins to think of where the nearest facility is, but then in a beautiful moment I realize I am exactly where I need to be to take a pee...the woods. In a majestic picture of the cycle of life I relieve myself giving back to nature as it has given to me. The only thing that could make the moment any better would be if it was raining and I titled my back and drank the replenishing water thus instantly demonstrating the rain cycle.

Being in the woods gives the freedom as well as the necessary cover to go to the bathroom in the most appropriate, tranquil setting. You may wonder why it feels so right going to bathroom in the woods and the answer, as my story told, is that you are directly fulfilling the cycle of life that was put in place when God created this amazing earth. When we do what we were created to do our souls are satisfied, granted going to the bathroom in the woods is a small thing compared to other things we have been created for, but nonetheless it is a part of our original creation to go Potty in the Woods.

Book Ideas

2008-03-31T06:06:00.000-07:00

One of the perks, if you want to call it that, of substitute teaching is a movie or study hall day. I find that I'm able to get quite a bit of reading done and there are a few books that I've thoroughly enjoyed recently and I thought I'd share them with you.

Side note: You'll notice that none of them are fictional, in my old age I've found that I have no drive to read about something that didn't really happen. I know there are very well-written books that are fiction, but for me I can't justify taking the time to read a fake story when I could be reading something true and/or learning something I didn't know. I'm all about what I like to call "reality reading."

On to my suggestions and why you should read them:

"Heaven" by Randy Alcorn.

This is a quite lengthy book (I still have a few chapters to finish) but very worth the time required to read it. The author presents a view of Heaven that is totally scriptural and well researched. As one who "grew up" in the church I've found it fascinating. Heaven, at least in my church, wasn't ever talked about in detail and described based on the scriptural glimpses the Bible gives. While the author does make some speculations I don't totally see they are all in accordance with scripture or at least not going against scripture. It's been the most thought provoking book I've read in a long time. For me having a more educated understanding of Heaven or the "end goal" makes the journey here on earth that much easier and clearer. I think a proper view of the goal (and the Bible does give us a decent view, it's not like God left us to guess what our eternity will be like) can significantly impact how one lives their day to day life. The Bible tells us to "keeps our eyes on the things above," if we really do that and know what awaits us in Heaven temptations will become easier to resist and decisions will be easier to make in light of all that God has prepared and will prepare for us. The truths in this book have given me a new respect and appreciation for the speck of time that is our life on this earth compared to an eternity with Jesus, on a New Earth untouched by sin, living in a resurrected body forever in God's presence. It's truly amazing.

ps. For those of you who love John Piper, he's quoted often.

"Walk on Water: Inside an Elite Pediatric Surgical Unit" by Michael Ruhlman.

The author of this book spent a year or so following one of the best pediatric surgeons in the world. It's an intense, detailed look into the world of pediatric heart surgery. Congenital heart defects are the most common defects in the world and as recently as the 1970's mortality rates were incredibly high (%30+). The book does a good job of giving a concise history of this specialized field while at the same time sharing what everyday life is like for these Dr's and patients and patient's families. Obviously I was interested in this book because my son has a heart defect called Tetralogy of Fallot and also because his surgeon (who will be doing his full repair in two weeks) happened to be doing a one year fellowship in the exact unit the author is writing about. I suggest the book for anyone for a few reasons, it's really rare to get such an inside look at one of the if not the most intense profession, it's totally engrossing and therefore a quick read, and finally because the information is not only intriguing but tangibly valuable. One of the themes of the book is parents who get thrown into this world and they just don't know their options. A lot of what the Dr. in this book does is correct other hospitals mistakes, parents need to know what questions to ask and that they do indeed have options.

A quote in the book from my sons surgeon Dr. Moga:

"You can't hide when you're a peds heart surgeon, you know who you are and where you stand. Because the stakes are so high, because there's so much at risk, there's no room for dishonesty...It's clear. It's beautiful. Elegant. Brutal. There are not many jobs when you're forced to know exactly who you are. You can't lie to yourself here, because if you lie to yourself, it becomes very obvious. Somebody dies."

"Into the Wild" by Jon Krakauer.

This book is now a movie and as with most books turned into movies I'd suggest reading it first and then seeing it. It's an interesting story about a kid who's obviously mixed up and confused and takes a unique road to figuring "it" out. The main character just takes off after college one year and begins tramping around the Western U.S. and eventually ends up in Alaska. Again, this a pretty quick read and the story is told very well by the author. It has a Shakesperean quality to it and I enjoyed the ruggedness of it.

That's all for now, I have a few more I'd like to mention but I want to go read and/or lie down a bit before my son gets up.

Simple Pleasures

2008-03-24T11:07:00.000-07:00

I've written before about simple pleasures and the important role they play in everyday life. If you're in the right mindset and have good perspective you'll notice little things that make you smile and make life that much better. Here are a few simple pleasures that currently make my life more enjoyable, feel free to add your own:

- Kissing my wife, there's just something so good and right about a nice gentle smooch.

- Cold drinks

- Basketball games that come down to the last shot

- The hum of a fan

- Naps

- Playing Golden Tee with friends

- Arm hair rubs

- Dancing like an idiot

- Sitting/lying close to my wife

- My son's laughter

- A clean house

- Making my wife feel my flexed arm after a workout (I'm on the road back to my college days of strength)

- Sitting on the couch after the boy has gone to bed

- Doing and saying stupid things with friends

- Reading in quiet

- Singing a good worship song

- Listening to my son grunt out a poop, it's quite funny

- Anticipating the start of another skydiving season

- Thinking of my son after he's totally "fixed"

- Wondering about Heaven (I'm reading "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn, tis fascinating)

- Did I mention making out with my wife!

- Walking slowly, why rush all the time

- Thinking of the Yod moving back to MN

- Holding my wife's hand, so simple yet so fun

Dancing

2008-03-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

You should all be preparing to watch basketball all day today. If you are an honorable man you took the day off in advance, if you are not you called in a lie and now lay in shame waiting for the games to begin to numb your guilt.

I sit at home with my boy, giving him the gift of March Madness at a young age.

A Few Movie Quotes to Brighten Your Day

2008-03-19T08:54:00.000-07:00

Woman who just receive help from Rambo: "I don't know what to say."
Rambo: "Then don't say anything."

Kevin Costner to his fiance after she delays in returning back to town: "How's this
gonna work if you don't do what I say?"

Insane criminal: "It's the way of the new world, I am a hero man."
Cobretti (Sly Stallone) right before killing insane criminal: "Nah, you're a disease... and I'm the cure."

Braveheart: "Of course, raising crops will be hard, but that'll all change when my sons arrive."
Surprised girl: "So you've got children then?"
Bheart: "Well not yet, I was hoping you could help me with that."
Even more surpised girl: "Is that your idea of a proposal?"
Bheart: "Aye, I love you, I've always loved you, I want to marry you."
Smooooooooch.

Paulie: "Friends owe!"
Rocky: "Friends don't owe, they do because they wanna do."

Princess Leah: "I love you."
Han Solo (going into carbanite): "I know."

College Quotes

2008-03-07T12:20:00.001-08:00

When I think back on some of the more amusing memories I have of college there are quotes that usually go along with them. Granted these might not make sense to you unless you were there, but that's okay this is a reminiscing post. Here are some of my favorite quotes that were uttered by myself and my unique co-collegians. Feel free to add any of your own.

"Ronny he was being serious DON'T BE AN IDIOT!"

"Hey, we need to egg the security van."

"I'm dead, I AM SO DEAD!"

"Pippen for threee..." (someone gets bitten) "YEEES!"

"Yeah kids SMOKE IT UP!"

"Dan I'm going to bed, tuck me in."

"GRUS GRUS, WHAT ARE YOUR DOING??? GRUS!!"

"Yeah, they've been in there awhile....they're 'Praying.'"

"Well you're face would look better in a bag."

"Let's moon freshman hill." (said every time entering or leaving the campus)

"IT'S BED TIME!"

"Let's go to the LoveDen."

"Let's go to Best Buy and play Madden."

"*&%^%$$#@ THERE'S F&*^%$# SAND ON THE SIDEWALK!"

"I'm gonna Freak you."

"I'd b*tchslap the ho." (the funniest quote of freshman year, thank you Protz!)

"Let's egg the Tool."

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" (reaction from random freshman girl as we drove by with our butts out the window)

"I dare you to run down the hallway naked."

"OPENVIEW FIIISHH!"

"Is he in the LoveCave with her?"

"STOP WALKING!"

Why I'm Not Ripped

2008-03-05T10:27:00.000-08:00

Before January I hadn't worked out regularly since my college days, since then I have managed to work out at least 3 days a week. My atrophied body screamed at me at first but now it's beginning to enjoy the regular exercise. After 8 weeks of lifting I figured I would have gained a little muscle and maybe even a tad of definition, it has not happened. As I pondered this more I thought of a few possible reasons for my inability to become ripped:

1. My body has gone too far into atrophy mode and it will take HGH or other unnatural means to reverse the damage (which I will not do, I'm all natural).

2. My body type is not condusive to becoming ripped.

3. My eating has failed to change enough (ie. I eat lots of crap).

4. My muscles are shy and don't like to stick out and brag.

While all of these are feasible answers for my untoned body I recently realized the true cause. The reason I am not ripped is because of these four words:

Jason

Hetland

Tim

Smith

Rippedness is not in endless supply in our world. Nature only has so much to give and SOME people just take more than everyone else. I won't name names but these people walk around hoarding vast amounts of rippedness leaving people like me "scraping" the bowl looking for any left over remnants. For those of you who have gone back for seconds and thirds and drained Nature's supply, I hope you enjoy your double biceps and defined creases. I shall continue to work out and get stronger but my quest to become ripped will be in vain because you had to be greedy and take all you could get your hands on. Thanks, thanks a lot!

Make a Memory

2008-02-28T07:56:00.000-08:00

Life is meant to be enjoyed. We don't have to wander around and just go through the motions of everyday living without joy. One way to spice things up a bit is to make memories, even in small menial daily tasks/routines we can make a memory.
I'll use the example of a previous post, the Rambo Experience. I'm sure many people thought that was silly and childish but I'll tell you what, years from now when I'm sitting on Luke's porch I won't remember the movie so much but I'll remember the costumes we wore and the fun we had.
Yes, I do know that that was a silly thing and maybe not what God is talking about when He talks about Abundant life, but maybe a part of it is. All I know is that is was good, clean fun and I'm glad to have it as a memory.

My point is this, enjoy the life God has given you. I'm not saying you need to dress up and go to movies, but find ways to make memories and live life abundantly no matter where you are. By doing so you'll give God glory and affect the lives of people around you. A joyful person is a magnetic person, people want to be around joy and have it themselves. There's too much numbness/boredom in the average persons routine, why not shake that up a bit? Luke and I may have looked like idiots but I know we made a few people smile. I encourage you to find ways to make memories in every walk of life.

Beard Lovers

2008-02-25T06:35:00.001-08:00

The topic of facial hair has been mentioned on this blog before but a single blog entry is not enough to do it justice.

So I give to you a website dedicated to beards and facial hair in general:

http://www.beardstylings.com

If you read nothing else read the section on Beard Styles and learn what your facial hair says.

The current content is not complete and more articles will be added, the world of beards must have a voice.

Thanks a lot Cymbalta!

2008-02-19T14:31:00.001-08:00

If you've never seen the current commercial for Cymbalta (an anti-depressant drug) I pray you never do. Imagine the most depressing 30 second commercial concievable and you'll have the latest ad for this drug.

I've seen the commercial several times now and every time I do I feel like going to bed and never getting up, walking around with my head down or ignoring everyone around me while I stare at the ground.
To make it worse the commercial sucks you in and you have to watch the whole thing. As they say "misery loves company" and they use that against us the viewing public.

You are sly sly dog Cymbalta, making a product to make people feel better and then going ahead and making a commercial that will ensure you business for a long time. Ugh, I'm going back to bed...

The Rambo Experience

2008-02-15T07:04:00.000-08:00

All such movies should be experienced this way.

Caption for all pictures: Evil Beware!

"Men's Health" Travishamockery!!!

2008-02-14T08:34:00.000-08:00

I recently purchased an issue of "Men's Health" magazine and I will never do it again.

Here's what you get when you get an issue of "Men's Health":

-Softcore pornographic pictures and writings

-Tips on how to get buff so you can score chicks

-Tips on how to please those chicks once you score them

What a disgusting magazine, the editors must be loser-college-drunks who are collecting and sharing their techniques for becoming the best male slut you can.

My ManCuddle List: Pt I

2008-02-11T12:44:00.000-08:00

This is my list of manly men with whom I have already ManCuddled with and wish to again as well as those manly men whom I have not yet had the pleasure of ManCuddling with. Feel free to share your MC wish list and if you see your name on the list feel free to offer some times when we might ManCuddle.
It's important to mention that the following lists are far from complete, if I forgot your name and we've MCed worry not, you'll make it on one of the follow-up lists

Editors note: If you don't know what ManCuddling is then you are not yet a man. If you think this whole thing sounds girly and/or feminine your mind is weak and you don't know much about life.

Note: Hets, I apologize that you are not and probably won't ever be on this list, you are too manly and too ripped, I would be worried that you would accidently flex and hurt me.

Those who I've ManCuddled and wish to again some time:

Groove - a very burly ManCuddler, makes me feel safe

Tim Y. - a gentle ManCuddler, makes me feel like a strong protector

Jer - an aggressive ManCuddler, makes me feel desirable

Luke - a calculated, wise ManCuddler, makes me feel certain and confident

Big Sam - a bearish ManCuddler, makes me feel secure and surrounded

Court - a steadfast ManCuddler, makes me want to be a better man

Grus - a violent, impulsive ManCuddler, makes me feel violated

Killer - an understanding ManCuddler, make me feel loved and not alone in this world

Tim S. - an apprehensive ManCuddler, makes me feel aggressive

Protz - a unique ManCuddler, makes me feel wary

Lancer - a shy ManCuddler, makes me feel forward

Those who I wish to ManCuddle sometime soon:

Blaine

Cloka

Phil

Kyle

Ethan

Hets - Forget what I said above, I'll cuddle with the double bi's

Chewbacca

Bear Grylls - the guy is big time, read his book "The Kid who Climbed Everest."

That's all for now, I'll have a more complete wish list in Pt II.

Shavings Shame

2008-02-07T12:22:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered why all the manufacturers of razor blades got together and decided to pollute the minds of men and women?
Consider the 2 main components of every commercial that deals with the latest and greatest shaver with 9 razor blades:

1. A buff dude with absolutely no chest hair or any upper body hair (except a preppy short hair cut), he's got shaving cream on his face and is smiling as the new razors glide across his face (even though I guarentee he never had any facial hair to start with).

2. Cue the scantily clad skank who walks around the corner smiling and proceeds to sensually stroke the man's freshly naked face. They share a blissful moment with their faces close enjoying the newly shaved skin.

What does this whole scene/abomination say? It says to the men "Don't be hairy, hair is bad. If you want a woman you better be clean shaven and wax your chest hair away." To the women it says "A desirable man is a shorn man, a man who's void of any excess hair, that's the man you want."

It's truly sickening that these ads are allowed to be aired and damage the collective mind of our society. It's time we take a stand and get some new commercials out there with new components.
For example:

1. A burly man with a nice swath of chest hair and finely trimmed beard carefully shaves around the edges of his beard giving it a nice crisp look.

2. Cue the decent woman who comes around the corner, gives her man an approving smile as she runs her hand through his beard. The couple embrace, the man raises an eyebrow and nods at the camera.

Now that's a commercial! Not only does it make me want to buy such a razor but it gives the proper respect to facial hair. All you razor blade manufacturers feel free to contact me for further consulting, I guarantee sales will soar.

Why my Wife Loves me so Much

2008-02-05T07:43:00.000-08:00

The follow beauty will be difficult to digest, women don't leave your men and men don't be jealous...I'm just that good looking.

Should you burn your copy of "Top Gun?"

2008-01-21T13:34:00.000-08:00

As I was flipping through the channels the other day I regrettably paused too long on a station and heard the ever increasingly psychotic Tom Cruise speaking. I quickly navigated away from the channel but not before I heard him spew some more of his church of scientology (lower case intended) garbage. The man is brain washed, crazy, annoying and trying to infect others with his disease.
After I finished my little dry heave I thought about my DVD collection and what movies I have that are possessed with TC. Since Tom's craziness has matured and grown over the years it's easy to pick out some of the more recent movies and send them to a firey grave with the exception of "The Last Samurai." The awesomeness of the Samurai and the story as a whole negates the craziness of Tom. All his other recent movies, like "Collateral" or the alien one, aren't good enough stories and don't have a strong enough non-Tom element. However, when I came to "Top Gun" the decision wasn't so clear, seeing that Tom's craziness was in it's infancy perhaps the movie could be spared since it is somewhat of a "classic." I realize that many people probably own this movie so I thought it prudent to share with you my thought process and decision.

I quickly processed a list of pros/cons that looked like this:

Pros (ie. reasons for not burning)

-cool scenes of jets flying through sky and shooting each other
-Goose
-the line "your ego is writing checks your body can't cash
-cheesy, fake emotional Tom after Goose dies
-a very re-watchable story
-stupid, unrealistic stuff like "I'm gonna hit the breaks, he'll fly right by"
-the over the top bar scene with infamous "you never close your eyes..." song
-Ice Man
-cheesy line of the year "THAT'S RIGHT, Ice Man....I am dangerous"
-Tom throwing Goose's id tags like a 3rd grade girl

Cons

-Tom Cruise now represents evil known as scientology
-Tom throwing Goose's id tags like a 3rd grade girl
-cheesy, fake emotional Tom after Goose dies
-Kelly McGillis' acting
-the over the top tongue make-out scenes
-the homo-erotic beach v-ball scene
-knowing that TC is 5 foot 7 and the net was lowered 3 feet for the scene
-TC singing
-Maverick and Goose talking a little too closely and softly while only wearing a towel
-Did I mention that Tom Cruise is crazy and believes that he and all scientologists are "the experts on the mind"

As you can see there are arguments for both sides and many shared arguments. As a result of this seeming parody one might conclude that either burning or not burning "Top Gun" are both okay. You are wrong for thinking so, the weight of the first Con (Tom's craziness) rules out at least 5 of the Pro's. Therefore you Should indeed burn your copy of "Top Gun" and preferably dance around it while it incinerates. The only reason to not immediately set fire to it is if you are waiting and praying for the chance to burn it in front of Tom. If you are going this route, give yourself one year and if you haven't had the chance to publicly burn it just do it at home.

theDan as a Simpsons character

2008-01-07T11:16:00.000-08:00

The Ultimate Warrior

2008-01-07T07:08:00.000-08:00

John Rambo is returning to the big screen once again to put down the forces of evil as only he can, a one man wrecking machine who saves lives and at the same time ends so many more! As we draw within 18 days of it's release I'm given to pangs of nostalgia and eagerness that can only be compared to Colombus seeing land on the horizon.

I know many, if not all of you will be attending this film and you are probably already planning the appropriate costume. I am currently debating between going in the garb of Rambo III or the much more impressive original Rambo movie outfit, jeans, burlap bag cut up and tied at waist with rope and of course the head band. I do completely endorse any outfits from any of the Rambo movies.

Before I go I'll leave you with a few quotes from the previous Rambo movies that will add to the fire of desire that has already been burning inside. Of course they will be from memory:

Rambo First Blood:

Troutman: You go after him with that many men you better not forget one thing..
Dumb cop: What's that?
Troutman: A lot of body bags.

Rambo holding knife to dumb cops throat after injuring/rendering useless all of his deputies: Raaaaahahhhahhh, I coulda killed em all, let it go...Let it Go.

Rambo explaining to Troutman why he won't come turn himself in: They drew first blood, they drew first blood.

Rambo II:

Rambo responding to idiot Murdock babbling about all the technology and sophisticated stuff that will help him fight: I've always believed the mind is the greatest weapon.
Murdock: Well, times changes.
Rambo: For some people.

Chick on boat in broken English: What bring you luck?
Rambo holding up ginormous knife: This.

Rambo to Murdock on the radio after being left for dead said with the most intense snarl/growl ever: Murdock, I'm coming for you!"

Rambo in helicopter blowing everything/everyone up: RRAAHAHAHRARHAHAAAAAARRARARAAARARARAAARRARRARAARR!

Rambo III:

Russian general torturing Troutman, asking about Rambo: Who do you think this man is...God?
Troutman: No, God would have mercy...he won't.

Rambo after pushing/pulling a stick that went through his side out and biting a bullet to pour the gunpowder into the wound to cleanse it and then lighting it: Aaahah.

Rambo looking at a helicopter, an assorment of armored vehicles and troops responding to a demand to surrender: F*#& em!

Problem: The Now

2008-01-02T07:26:00.000-08:00

You may have been expecting a simple, happy-sappy post for the New Year but you will get no such thing from me. This will be the first of many "Problem" posts that I will give to you to so that you (society at large) can learn what you need to do to make your lives better and not have so many regrets. Heed my words, they are wise.

One of the main problems we face today in our American society is the Problem of the Now (PON). People are stupid and sacrifice their morals, dignity and decency for a moment of soulish pleasure. Our society has lost appreciation for longevity and the bigger picture.
There are many things that were given to us for enjoyment and pleasure but they have been abused much to our demise. Rather than enjoy a few splendid cocktails people get wasted which leads to many regretable acts, violence and general foolishness...not to mention the hangover. One could have fun with a few cheap hands of black jack but they go overboard and get addicted to gambling. There's no argument for drugs, they're just plain ridiculous and will only cause pain. Instead of the designed intimacy of sex within marriage physical pleasure has become a selfish, personal event that no longer has meaning or value.
One thing I hear to often (and sadly, from kids in schools where I sub) is "have an open mind," like that's some sort of excuse or reason to dabble in sin. It's said like it's a good thing, as if "having an open mind" has become the best virtue of our culture (granted there are many circumstances where it is indeed good to have an open mind ie. concerning cultural differences, racial equality, etc). Well I'm here to say that it's okay and good to have a CLOSED mind occasionally. You will thank yourself later, regretting doing something wrong is much worse than regretting not trying something.

The best thing you can do is to have a vision for the important things in life and a sense of the bigger picture. Grasping the bigger picture will keep you from using alcohol solely to get wasted and "escape" current circumstances. Having a vision for a pure wedding night will keep you from foolishly giving yourself away to fleeting situations that have no meaning. Knowing that true joy and pleasure come from honest, deep relationships (with God, family, friends, etc) and being a giving person will keep you from searching for those feelings in other dead end areas (ie. gambling, drugs, etc).

For this New Year my prayer is that we would all be more Closed minded and grasp the bigger picture and true joy that has been made available to us. It may seem like going for the immediate pleasure feels good (and it does...for a very short while) but in reality having patience and doing what is Right is what really feels the best. That's the way our world was designed and the sooner we all realize it and start living accordingly the better off we'll all be.

The ManCrush

2007-12-17T12:15:00.000-08:00

I'm sure many of you have heard of something called "The ManCrush." It is a term that gets thrown around and is often misunderstood by both men and women. I shall set the record straight today and tell you all you need to know about The ManCrush. I'll give you a brief definition and elaborate on it so you can know what a Manly ManCrush is and more importantly know if you are going too far and at risk of losing your ManHood by Crushing on a man instead of ManCrushing.

A ManCrush is defined as: An unusually strong appreciation for and attraction to the Skills, Abilities, and Character of another man.

The key here is that the attraction/appreciation that a ManCrushing man has on another man is firmly based on a certain Skill and/or Ability. A ManCrush has nothing to do with the physical appeal of another man. That isn't to say that a man cannot appreciate and acknowledge the physical prowess of another man, but that cannot be the basis of a ManCrush.

For example, I have a ManCrush on Blaine Waters. He is an extremely talented guitar player/singer, a fine golfer and a master of the Golden Tee machine. Also, Blaine happens to be a fine looking man over whom the women swoon.

Notice how my ManCrushing is based solidly on Blaine's skills and after that I add the side note of appreciation for his God gifted physical appearance. If the order was switched around that would not qualify as a ManCrush and even worse that would disqualify me as a man. A true ManCrush is indeed a Manly thing and a good thing, but it is also a dangerous thing. You must have the solid foundation I'm talking about here and you must be careful that you don't wander into Crushing versus ManCrushing.
One way to protect yourself is to have more than one ManCrush at any given time. If you have just one ManCrush it can be too easy to over Crush, if you have two that way your appreciation of Manliness is spread out a bit and you're less likely to go too far. Two is the ideal number, you could argue for three but if you have three ManCrushes you're just thinking about men too much overall. It's best if you stick with two, one as the starter (obviously your main ManCrush at the time) and then a back-up to balance yourself out. As you live life you'll realize that ManCrushes will come and go, that's totally fine just be sure to stick with two at a time.

Personally I am at the optimum ManCrush number of two, the above mentioned Blaine Waters and also my sons cardiologist Dr. Gremmels. A very smart/skilled Dr. who is basically saving my boys life, also he dresses very sharply (notice there again, it's okay to acknowledge such things as nice ties as long as the foundation of the ManCrush was the skill and ability of the man).

A lot of ManCrushes can be found in Professional sports, I know a couple of friends who are currently ManCrushing on Adrian Peterson. That's totally fine, there are admiring his skill and ability to run people over.

I'm glad I could bring some clarity and give you a few guidelines for this oft gray subject. The ManCrush is nothing to fear, when handled properely it is Manly emotion that all men experience.

29 Answers

2007-12-05T12:53:00.000-08:00

Today my body turns 29, I say my body because my mind is infinitely wiser than any other 29 year old and cannot be measured in years. As a gift to you I will answer 29 random questions about my life that I sense you all are curious about.

1. Yes, I had an MRI on my hip this week because my dance moves are so incredible mere perfect human hips can't handle them.

2. No, I did not get claustrophic in the MRI machine...I napped.

3. No, there does not exist a good reason for shaving chest hair (Applicable only to Males).

4. Yes, Man Crushes are acceptable for men (I'll explain further and define the parameters of the ManCrush in my next post).

5. Of course I'm excited for my wife's company's holiday party where I will eat copious amounts of awesome shrimp and mildly partake in the open bar.

6. Yes, I have sung karaoke using the super sappy song from "Nottinghill."

7. No, that is not girly. I followed the ManRules for karaoke and thus the song selection was negated (I'll explain karaoke rules at a later date).

8. Yes, I did once run down Chicago's Navy pier barking at the tourist boat called "The Seadog."

9. Yes, the boat captain honked the horn.

10. No, I did not surf in the Pacific Ocean when I was there and it was 46 degrees, I thought about it though.

11. Of course I at least ran through the ocean surf in nothing but rolled up jeans humming "Chariots of Fire."

12. Yes, Courtney and I flashed the Pacific Ocean from a cliff.

13. Yup, there's photographic evidence....from behind.

14. No, you can't see it.

15. No, I did not like having two dogs chase my wife and I while on a shaky scooter on some back streets in the Bahamas.

16. Yes, I have been to Prague and yes Ben and I chased down two drunks fighting over passports, Ben pushed one guy over, there was wrestling about and I sat on one guy while the cops came.

17. Naturally, I went snowshoeing in British Columbia and of course Tim and I faked a fight and make-up in a series of photos on the way up.

18. Yes, I did moon the mountains while skiing in Colorado.

19. Again, yes there is photographic evidence and you can't see it.

20. Definitely! Jumping out of a hot air balloon at the same time as my soon to be wife was the best "rush" experience of my life.

21. Actually yeah, I have ridden the Stock Market bull in lower Manhattan, Luke did too and of course there are pictures (you can see those if you want).

22. Most Cetainly, I drove with Jeremy to why-not Minot, North Dakota to buy cowboy hats and yes we listened to country music and rode horses and went to the Blind Duck.

23. Yes, during road trips I've been known to remove my shirt and hang out of a window and/or sunroof and howl and/or fake box to the Rocky soundtrack, it wakes people up and can lead to a few laughs.

24. No, Jeff and I did not feel bad for driving to Chicago and totally mooching off Luke as he was on a company trip, gotta love friends who have expense accounts.

25. What kind of person do you think I am??? Of course I avoided the guy selling cocaine in Jamaica and yes I said no to the guy who waded out to me while I was snorkeling and pulled a bag of weed out and told me I could pay him later.

26. Alpine Valley, that's my favorite place for concerts and I think I've gone to 4 (all Dave Matthews Band).

27. Yeah it was kinda crazy when my wife and I were in Palm Springs getting snowed on up on a mountain and then 30 minutes later we were down and hot in the sun.

28. Strange but true, I did see a man with a machine gun tell Jesse he couldn't use the handicap bathroom while we were in Amsterdam on a layover.

29. Of course, I know you had a great time reading this and yes I will be back next year with 30 more answers that you will thoroughly enjoy as you have these.

Manly Music

2007-11-26T16:14:00.000-08:00

At the end of my last post I referenced a song known as "My Rifle, My Pony and Me" without ever thinking that someone might not know the song (which seemed so preposterous it didn't even register as possible).
The thought that there are ears out there that haven't been blessed to hear this song is truly tragic and I almost experience emotion at the thought of it...almost.

For those poor individuals who have never heard/read this song I give you the lyrics now, ponder them and then find a way to listen to the song (the Dean Martin version of course)...you will be a better person for it.

"The sun is sinking in the west
The cattle go down to the stream
The redwing settles in the nest
It's time for a cowboy to dream

Purple light in the canyons
That's where I long to be
With my three good companions
Just my rifle, pony and me

Gonna hang (gonna hang) my sombrero (my sombrero)
On the limb (on the limb) of a tree (of a tree)
Coming home (coming home) sweetheart darling (sweetheart darling)
Just my rifle, pony and me
Just my rifle, my pony and me

(Whippoorwill in the willow
Sings a sweet melody
Riding to Amarillo)
Just my rifle, pony and me
No more cows (no more cows) to be roping (to be roping)
No more strays will I see
Round the bend (round the bend) she'll be waiting (she'll be waiting)
For my rifle, pony and me
For my rifle, my pony and me"

Man-Answers: Conditioner

2007-11-20T06:41:00.000-08:00

In life there are many areas in which one may ask "Is what I am doing manly?" Some issues may involve seemingly minor daily activites while others will deal with deeper, character issues. It is my goal (which means it is already accomplished it's just a matter of time) to shed some light on a few of these questions and in the process give you the invaluable tools that I like to call ManPrinciples. These Principles will help you address any issue/circumstance and act accordingly in a Manly fashion. It is important to note however that often times more than one principle can be applied to a specific situation (as will you see in the following paragraphs), thus it is imperative that you read carefully and learn how and to what degree to apply said Principles.

Todays topic: Is it Manly to have a bottle of Conditioner and of Shampoo instead of combining the two and buying one all purpose bottle?

A blatant "No" seems like the obvious answer based upon one of the strongest ManPrinciples:

MP - Efficiency: "In any given situation the best and most Manly method of accomplishing a goal is that which requires the least amount of time and/or effort to SUCCESSFULLY accomplish that goal."

(Note the emphasis on "Successfully." Doing things quickly and haphazardly is not Manly, this is why a trip to the bathroom may take a man 30 + minutes and still be within the confines of the Efficient Principle. One must take the appropriate time and energy to ensure that the task at hand is properly accomplished while also not wasting time.)

After some further thought however, you can see how having a separate bottle for each stage of cleansing also falls under the Efficient Principle as it arguably leads to a more Successful hair washing experience. Plus, if you are married it is likely that your spouse will tend to be a 2 bottle hair cleanser and by not cluttering up the shower with multiple bottles you will line up with another ManPrinciple:

MP - Consolidation: "In most areas of life (esp. verbal communication, shopping, shaving) Less Is More."

We can even go a step further to defend the 2 bottle method as yet another ManPrinciple can come into play:

MP - Single Tasking - "A man should only do one specific thing at any given time as to fully lend his attention and deal appropriately with it."

You could say that by shampooing alone and conditioning alone you are adhering to this MP. As you can see this topic is more complicated than it originally appears.
The one bottle method does have another advantage as it lends to a faster washing and more time to relax in the shower. During which time you pretend you are in the depths of the forest during a rain shower while you set up camp beside a stream, make a fire and a cup of black coffee while contemplating how much of the bear to eat that you killed earlier in the day. You go through your supplies and say "Should we find a town tomorrow Duke or make do with what we can kill," Duke (your horse...obviously) softly nickers and you smirk "that's what I thought boy, we'll head out early and see if we can't catch up with this old boy's (stabbing a piece of bear meat) brother." After dinner you break into a little chorus of Dean Martin's "My Rifle, My Pony and Me" as you fade off into a fitful sleep of war nightmares and the man you used to be.

Final Verdict: It is okay and Manly to either use 2 bottles, 1 shampoo and 1 conditioner or 1 dual purpose bottle for your showering needs.

Meat?

2007-11-09T12:43:00.000-08:00

I'm sure many of you are wondering whether or not I was able to provide some winter meat for my child and wife while hunting last weekend. The answer is yes, I killed a beast of the forest. It was not a large beast but it will make for good eating.
The killing itself was not an experience for the weak. I patiently waited for the creature of misfortune to step into an ideal position for me to shoot, I shot and hit the spot I was aiming for...naturally, and the deer dropped immediately. The reason I say it was a killing not for the weak is because as I approached the deer it was sitting in a pose not unlike one you might see in a magazine. Its ears were perked and it's big brown eyes were staring at me as if to say "you shot me and I can't move and I'm terrified but yet feel peaceful as I lay here slowly dying, please shoot me again so I may die faster but before you do know that I am grateful to you for allowing me to sustain your family this winter and for ending my life quickly so that I may forgo a winter of starvation and/or being painfully eaten by wolves."
With a nod and a wink I acknowledged the beasts plea, my rifle spoke swiftly and mercifully, there were a few last gasps of warm breath and then the creature lay still waiting to fulfill its destiny as my dinner.
I graciously gutted the deer and dragged it from the woods, soon its meat will don my dining table, oh the wonderful cycle of nature...such a beautiful thing.

Quote for the Week

2007-11-07T06:03:00.000-08:00

Jerk Dad (JD): "You increased your lands......."

Guilty Son (GS): "Lands, titles..nothing, I have nothing! Men fight for me because if they do not I starve their wives and their children and throw them off my land. Those men...that bled the ground red at Falkirk, they fought for William Wallace and he fights for something that I've never had AND I TOOK THAT FROM HIM WHEN I BETRAYED HIM AND I SAW IT ON HIS FACE ON THE BATTLE FIELD AND IT'S TEARING ME APART!

(JD): All men lose heart, all men betray..

(GS): I DON'T WANNA LOSE HEART, I want to believe as he does.....I will never be on the wrong side again."

Wow, I have chills and if you don't and more importantly don't know where those line are from there is something wrong with you.

ps. Yes, those lines and many others are all from memory.

Photo Ops?

2007-10-31T08:17:00.001-07:00

On this Halloween of 2007 I offer a light yet serious selection of photos to address the following question:

Is a snarl and/or sinister smirk and/or growl the best possible face a man can make in any situation?

The answer is a most definitive YES!

Enjoy.

A Few Thoughts

2007-10-26T07:20:00.000-07:00

During the last 2 weeks my boy has been sick and thus there hasn't been a lot of sleeping going on in the house, during this time of semi-consciousness I've had many random thoughts float through my head. I will share some of them with because I'm sure there are a few that are quite profound.

Thoughts while neither fully awake or asleep:

I really enjoy spicy food.

The last race at the end of "Chariots of Fire" is still one of the top 5 goosebump scenes in cinematic history.

I've been watching and enjoying Survivor, although I'm immensely more excited to start watching The Amazing Race (the second greatest reality show right behind Ted Nugent's show which will never be topped).

Kris Collins is now a married man, congrats!

Gun opener is next weekend and I look forward to killing a beast or two, ripping it's guts out with my hands and bringing the meat home for my wife and boy to feed upon.

I regularly find inch + long eyebrow hairs and I must say that I'm excited at the prospect of being an old man with long wispy eyebrow hairs.

What if bruises never healed?

The combination of a crisp fall afternoon and the smell of grilling is refreshingly fabulous.

Adelvise, adelvise every morning you greet me, small and white, clean and bright, you look happy to me, to me....

I'm convinced that in Heaven when the angles sing it sounds like a thousand box fans running in unison, such a peaceful wonderful sound.

Cesar Milan (the Dogwhisperer) should be involved in all international disputes/peace talks/political debates/etc. When anyone gets out of line he can do his chhtt cchhhtt thing and if gets really bad he could just pin them to the groud and hold them there until they demonstrate calm submissiveness.

Blossom of winter bloom and grow, bloom and grow forever!

Pretentious people suck, you all know who you are so just knock it off.

I shot baskets the other day for the first time in a long time, I proceeded to hit 95 out of 100 freethrows and I was about %80 from 3-pt range and beyond....I was thoroughly disappointed.

"Like your work, love your wife." Wise words from Del Griffith (you better know what movie this is from).

Dogs that are under a certain weight need a different name, it just seems so wrong to lump a 2 lb Chihauhau yipper in the same category as an 80 lb loyal, house protecting, burglar eating German Shepherd. I'm open to suggestions, I've only come up with Ferats (cause they're more like rats and ferrets), Dunnies, or Pogs.

I'l finish this rambling with another good quote: "Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them." Thank you Mr. Abraham Lincoln.

A picture of my personal facial hair was requested so here's some minor winter growth that I had last year (growth time was approximately 2 days). This year I look forward to repeating the same beard and maybe even letting it go a little longer.

Facial Hair

2007-10-22T12:13:00.000-07:00

As men most of us have the unique priviledge to grow and groom hair that grows upon our face. It is a gift that God has given us and we ought utilize it to some extent at least once a year.
I personally always have at least a little scruff, it's been over a year since a blade has touched my cheeks, and enjoy growing a full beard during the winter months.

I encourage you to explore the endless world of facial hair and use this gift that we men have. Here are some examples of very dedicated men who take advantage of their abilities.

It's Dusty in Here

2007-10-19T06:12:00.000-07:00

Is it okay for men to cry? This question has been discussed many times throughout history and I shall finally put the issue to rest.
First we must make a very important distinction between crying and sobbing. I define crying for men as "teary eyes and/or an obvious display of uncomfortable emotion, ie. looking away, gritting of teeth." A single tear, and only a single tear is allowable in some instances. Sobbing is "an extensive, charasmatic display of extreme emotion in which tears flow down the cheeks, whimpering is heard perhaps wailing, all while the shoulders bob up and down with the pain of the afflicted."

It is indeed okay for men to experience both of these forms of what I call "occular discharge," however the events during which said emotions may acceptably be displayed are very specific.

Sobbing may be publicly displayed during times of extreme personal loss. The best example being Maximus in "Gladiator" when he finds his wife and child. An example of bad, inexcusable sobbing that greatly detracted from Manhood would be either Johnny Fontaine in "Godfather Pt 1" when the Godfather had to slap him for crying about his career or Adam Morrison when he wept like a little girl after losing a basketball game.

Note: If you can ever follow up a sobbing session by becoming an unbeatable gladiator and overthrowing an evil Emperor it is preferred.

For crying there is a little more freedom, but not too much. It is acceptable in the following instances: funerals (single tear allowed, assuming that any sobbing session already occured if not sobbing is allowed/recommended), your dog of more than 4 years dies (single tear acceptable if more than 12 years and you're there to say goodbye while they're put to sleep), after visiting a friend/family member who is in physical peril/pain (single tear allowed), listening to William Wallace scream "freeeeeeddooomm" at the end of "Braveheart," after retiring from a sport as long as you played at least 10 years (single tear allowed if done in private), watching your offspring excel in some area of life and telling them your proud of them. That's pretty much it.
There are many other situations in which strong emotions are acceptable but for men the best way to express those emotions is by hitting something instead of crying.

Important Note: Tears caused not by emotion do not count as crying, ie. accidentally snorting jalapeno seeds, getting punched in the nose.

Very Important Note: Physical pain is Never an excuse for crying! Swearing, grunting, yelling and pounding the ground are all acceptable but tears are not an option.

Things I've learned this week...

2007-10-18T10:00:00.001-07:00

A sick baby = lots of work and no sleep

I can function after several nights of no more than an hour of undisturbed sleep, I may not be coherent but I can function.

That's all for now, I must go nap.

Already a Fan

2007-10-12T06:59:00.001-07:00

I was born in MN and raised by a Packer fan and thus have had trouble finding my Pro Football fan indentity. For all other sports I'm a MN man, T-wolves, Twins and Wild all the way (although I'm not much of a hockey fan), but for football I'm basically a player. I like 2 teams that are bitter rivals, Vikes/Pack. I know it's ridiculous but I was a mere boy when this happened and I can't change history. I have never been able to leave one completely for the other. When Favre is gone my interest in the Pack will drop considerably, but the damage has already been done. I'm a Pro Football polygamist, there I said it. I'm not proud of it, it's the just the path that my life has taken.

However, for college football I have been able to fully commit to my MN Gophers. There was a time in my youth when my Dad's affinities for Michigan seeped into me but my feelings never got much past respect and appreciation for the history. I have always rooted for the Gophers and look forward to Brewster taking us to the Rose Bowl, I am a one college team man forever.

For my son I would like to pass on the loyalty to the Gophers and as you will see below, it's a good fit, they were made for each other. As far as Pro teams go I will only encourage him to pick his team and stick with it, it's tough being a polygamist fan in today's world and I don't want him to have to go through the persecution that I have.

Here's another fan who will hopefully grow up as the Gopher's firmly establish a winning tradition:

Rules for Replying

2007-10-10T06:58:00.000-07:00

Recently I had to delete a comment on this site because of the careless and utterly ridiculous manner in which it was written. To avoid such wastes of cyberspace in the future I will give you a few guidelines/rules for commenting on this site. Adhere to them closely, not doing so will waste my readers and my time but more importantly hinder your growth as an intelligent human being.

Rules for Replying:

Don't ever give theDan advice, it's like telling Grizzly Adams how to grow a beard, absolutely insane and unnecessary.

NEVER question or even comment on theManliness of theDan unless it's to say how amazing it is.

Never ridicule another commenter, you may question and gently criticize but it my job alone to ridicule.

Don't make depressing posts, yes most of you have a long way to go as human beings but there is Always hope, just keep reading and learning. You can become a relatively intelligent person.

Don't make assumptions.

Read your comment aloud 5 times before posting it so you can make as much sense as your mind can possible make.

Don't cuss or insult Jeremiah Johnson, it's classless (if you don't know who Jeremiah Johnson is, find out).

Don't write any dissenting opinions, rather reread what I wrote in a quiet room with a glass of water. If you still don't agree or see my wisdom begin to contemplate what is wrong with you.

Don't drink and post.

Never post while crying. I do know that my words will often bring tears of guilt, inadequacy and general malaise for where you're at in life, but you must not comment in such a mood. Wait until you are not so overcome with emotion and in a more stable state of mind.

Following these simple rules will guarentee a valuable interaction between myself and all of you. I am here for your betterment.

A Little Make Out

2007-10-08T07:35:00.000-07:00

Last Monday I made a quick observation that would make your week and life better. I've decided to make that a weekly occurence, I will try to write a post each Monday (schedule permitting) that will give you a little piece of wisdom to make life a little better for you.

This weeks post is for married people only, those of you who are engaged may read and save the advice. Those of you who are single may take the next few minutes that you would've spent reading this post to ponder the following: is theDan good enough to beat himself in (insert any form of one on one competition)?

As we grow older life tends to get more busy, more responsibilities are put on us and our schedules become much more constricted. As married couples, especially with children, we must make sure that we are taking time to make out a bit. It's easy and justified after a tiring day of working and/or parenting to just plop down on the couch and veg out for a bit. As a master of couch sitting I cannot say there is anything wrong with that, however, I will say that every so often it's good to grab your lady or vica versa (lady grab your man) and get down to kissing. If you do this even once a week you'll find that life is a little better. There's just something about good make out that is so right. Now don't get me wrong, there are other forms of intimacy that are Very important for us married folk ( *eyebrow raised in suggestive manner with smirk on my face* ) but we must not lose touch with the simple make out session.
All you husbands take a night this week to surprise your lady with a little couch make out session (or back seat of the car if you want to be spontaneous...even if it's in the driveway). Do it at least once, maybe even twice this week, lips were made for kissing!

Before I leave you to plan your lip loving I must clarify specifically what I mean by Making Out.
I define Making Out as "sustained smooching that follows an ebb and flow of soft, gentle kissing and more vigorous, passionate lip-locking with the occasional neck smooch/nuzzle and ear nibble." It's important to note that while groping does occur it is PG-13 groping (arms, some leg, back, neck, partial buttock) and all clothes stay on.

Have fun this week with your kissing, if you need specific information on types of kisses and techniques feel free to ask, I am an overflowing well of knowledge.

Rare Beauty

2007-10-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

I'll be the first to admit that I am not the only man is this world who is wise And looks stunning in a mustache. There's another such man who lives in Canada and shares his vast sports knowledge with the world. His name is Jeff and you can find his words and Utterly Amazing picture here: www.mwsr.blogspot.com

Also, here in Minnesota there is another man with immense wisdom who focuses on the Gophers....and just plain looks good. He is theJer and he can be found at: www.gopherfootball.blogspot.com

Take a Nap

2007-10-01T12:35:00.000-07:00

A quick observation for your Monday:

This world is full of morons and over dramatic freaks who flip out if their coffee is too hot, the red light doesn't turn green fast enough, if so and so called them a name, blah blah blah. A lot of the time the problem is that people are just plain stupid, too high strung, and don't have correct perspective. These people need some serious help and I will dedicate a future, more in-depth post on how they can stop being so ridiculous. However, there are some relatively normal people, capable of logical thought who also flip out. It is you people I direct this brief morsel of wisdom: Take a Nap. If you just take a few minutes to totally relax you'll be amazed at how your daily attitude and outlook will be improved. If you can't take a nap, take a slow walk to lunch or a slow walk to the bathroom. Just set aside a few moments of your day to forget the rush of the world around you and veg out. Yes, this is rather simple, obvious advice and yes it is somehow packed with wisdom and insight.

Learn from a perfect babe and the wise one who sired him:

ManHood

2007-09-26T12:04:00.000-07:00

Before I write a little bit about being a Man I feel I must share a quick story. I was talking to a good friend of mine (for privacy I'll just say his name is Tim Smith) and we were having a normal chat when a profound thing was spoken. I was giving out life-bettering advice and this phrase just flowed out of me: "If I know one thing Tim, it's everything." I didn't even think before I said it and I'm not sure where it came from, but it certainly fits. Apparently I know myself as well as I thought I did.

On to the subject at hand: Manhood. Manhood is one of those things that shouldn't have to be explained or asked about, men should just know what it is and that should be that. However, in this world of metrosexuals (aka. women) where chivalry is often a thing of the past I feel it necessary to share some rather obvious points about Manhood. My intent is that males take this information and check to see if you are indeed a Man and if not find out what things you can do to be a man. For my female readers my intent is for you to gain a set of standards by which any real Man will easily measure up to so you won't settle for less.

Important Note: The following information is by no means a complete compilation. Due to the vast numbers of flaky "men" out there I will continue to occassionaly write on this topic in the hopes of seeing a few lost souls find there way.

Note: I will be writing using "If....Then" statements and since I am a husband and father now I will being writing some statements concerning Manly husbands and Manly fathers.

If you are a Man Then:

You enjoy the ability to grow and groom generous amounts of facial hair, and if you don't have the ability you at least envy those who do and appreciate looking at a good thick beard.

Competition is fun for you, whether it be participating in or watching.

Grilling is something that you not only enjoy but insist upon (important note: grilling vegetables IS manly...as long as there is a meat course that goes along with it).

You spend time with your family. As the Godfather himself, Don Corleone said "A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man."

You know what movie the previous quote came from.

You love your wife and children, if applicable. Notice the two go together, it is Not possible to be a good father without being a loving husband. The single most important thing a Manly husband does is love his wife, the most important woman in his children's life. No matter how much time and love you give your kids you are Not a good Manly father if you don't love their mother and Show it.

The thought of chicken wings and beer make you salivate.

You realize that all men have a jerk gene in them and we will be jerks to the people we love, but a Manly Man doesn't just accept that, he works at it and strives to lessen the frequecy of being a jerk.

If fire + guns + gas + woods + boxer whiffleball + the greasiest food ever = good times for you.

The longest periods of time that you spend in the bathroom are not used for getting ready or showering.

You enjoy accomplishing things and providing for those who need you.

If God gave you bountiful chest hair you realize it's a good thing and leave it there.

You've read all these things and agreed with everything stated.

That's all for now, soak these in and make changes where you need to, I'll leave you with this quote from Mr. Vince Lombardi:

"Leadership rests not only upon ability, not only upon capacity; having the capacity to lead is not enough. The leader must be willing to use it. His leadership is then based on truth and character. There must be truth in the purpose and will power in the character."

I'm Back

2007-09-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

After a long sabbatical and many life changes I have once again returned to the cyber world. I, theDan, am back to enlighten, enrich and at times rebuke. If you have not read or heard of me before (which would indeed surprise me) you may ask yourself how am I qualified to speak with wisdom on all subjects of life or give the correct advice in any situation? To such a query I shall respond with this: How is a bird qualified to fly, or a fish to swim, or a lion to hunt and kill the weakest of the herd? I was born this way and must give of my gifts to make this world just a little bit more sane.

This site shall be used to do just that, I will make serious, deep posts that will make your lives better if you heed my words. I shall also lighten your days with a post here and there drenched with my unique humor so that you may laugh heartily and be at ease. I leave it to you to discern which posts are which, a hint: I'm a very serious man and most of my posting will be on grave matters that you Need to listen to me about.
If you have questions feel free to write in, I will deem if they are worthy of answering and respond accordingly.

I am now a husband and father and will graciously allow you to hear and see how my family is doing from time to time. I have a wonderful wife and a splendid son (www.babyporta.blogspot.com) and am very grateful for all I've been given.

I leave you now with a few photos and a warning, the awesomeness of the pictures below may overwhelm you to the point of shock. You will be seeing an incredible mustache, the perfect baby boy, the perfect wondrous wife, scroll down slowly.