As I was flipping through the channels the other day I regrettably paused too long on a station and heard the ever increasingly psychotic Tom Cruise speaking. I quickly navigated away from the channel but not before I heard him spew some more of his church of scientology (lower case intended) garbage. The man is brain washed, crazy, annoying and trying to infect others with his disease.
After I finished my little dry heave I thought about my DVD collection and what movies I have that are possessed with TC. Since Tom's craziness has matured and grown over the years it's easy to pick out some of the more recent movies and send them to a firey grave with the exception of "The Last Samurai." The awesomeness of the Samurai and the story as a whole negates the craziness of Tom. All his other recent movies, like "Collateral" or the alien one, aren't good enough stories and don't have a strong enough non-Tom element. However, when I came to "Top Gun" the decision wasn't so clear, seeing that Tom's craziness was in it's infancy perhaps the movie could be spared since it is somewhat of a "classic." I realize that many people probably own this movie so I thought it prudent to share with you my thought process and decision.
I quickly processed a list of pros/cons that looked like this:
Pros (ie. reasons for not burning)
-cool scenes of jets flying through sky and shooting each other
-Goose
-the line "your ego is writing checks your body can't cash
-cheesy, fake emotional Tom after Goose dies
-a very re-watchable story
-stupid, unrealistic stuff like "I'm gonna hit the breaks, he'll fly right by"
-the over the top bar scene with infamous "you never close your eyes..." song
-Ice Man
-cheesy line of the year "THAT'S RIGHT, Ice Man....I am dangerous"
-Tom throwing Goose's id tags like a 3rd grade girl
Cons
-Tom Cruise now represents evil known as scientology
-Tom throwing Goose's id tags like a 3rd grade girl
-cheesy, fake emotional Tom after Goose dies
-Kelly McGillis' acting
-the over the top tongue make-out scenes
-the homo-erotic beach v-ball scene
-knowing that TC is 5 foot 7 and the net was lowered 3 feet for the scene
-TC singing
-Maverick and Goose talking a little too closely and softly while only wearing a towel
-Did I mention that Tom Cruise is crazy and believes that he and all scientologists are "the experts on the mind"
As you can see there are arguments for both sides and many shared arguments. As a result of this seeming parody one might conclude that either burning or not burning "Top Gun" are both okay. You are wrong for thinking so, the weight of the first Con (Tom's craziness) rules out at least 5 of the Pro's. Therefore you Should indeed burn your copy of "Top Gun" and preferably dance around it while it incinerates. The only reason to not immediately set fire to it is if you are waiting and praying for the chance to burn it in front of Tom. If you are going this route, give yourself one year and if you haven't had the chance to publicly burn it just do it at home.
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15 comments:
what about "A Few Good Men" and "The Firm."
There is no doubt that Tom Cruise has made some good movies despite how fruity he has become. However, I just looked through his list of movies and I agree with Dan that Last Samurai is the only one that stands apart from the rest. Just looking at the IMDB page for Last Samurai made me want to go downstairs right now and watch it.
Phil and I watched Live Free or Die Hard last night. I'm very disappointed that I haven't heard more discussion about that movie.
Siloca, I'll not rebuke you if you don't burn those movies because they're pretty old. I would personally burn "The Firm," it wasn't that great and like most suspenseful movies doesn't have much re-watchability.
Luke, I agree with your sentiments. Once Rambo and the next Raiders of the Lost Ark come out we'll have a forum on the greatness of all the old action stars who've recently puntucated their great careers.
I'm really not sure why someone would own Top Gun in the first place since you can watch in on cable at least three times a week.
Luke, while I thoroughly enjoyed LFoDH, the fighter jet scene is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in a movie.
Jeff, I don't disagree but I still enjoyed that moment nonetheless.
Somehow I had forgotten the ending of the movie and I was in total shock when I watched it last night. I wonder if there is a movie with a better "tough guy" than that movie. I'm sure there are comparably tough guys but I don't see how he could be topped.
Fish Jeff! I didn't used to have cable.
Jeff - 1 reason someone would purchase a DVD in lieu of watching on TV: COMMERCIALS
Luke, I did not say that I did not enjoy the fighter jet part (was that a double negative I just used or a reverse double negative?), but it was nonetheless ridiculous. Overall, an incredibly entertaining movie. And has enough time passed that we can talk about that ending scene without spoiling it for people?
I think my favorite part of that movie is that McLain was in a bad mood the entire movie- not like "i want revenge" kind of bad mood, but more like "I could be fishing or watching football but instead I have to save you dumb &$% today" bad mood. He's old, snarky, and yet still finds new, inventive, and creative ways to kill much younger and stronger foes. You know what? I think you've talked me into going to rent that right now.
Dan- having cable is not an excuse.
Kris- If you had a DVR you wouldn't have to watch the commercials.
As much as Tom Cruise is CRAZY, I can't bring myself to rid my collection of Top Gun...I mean, it's TOP GUN. Although, not so good now that he has tainted the volleyball scene with his craziness.
I'm quite sure I've never seen Top Gun and I feel like my life has been pretty decent.
I do agree with all the comments surrounding the Last Samurai.
Collateral was a completely wretched, contrived, and artificial piece of garbage.
What about the Mission Impossible movies?
Tim, Mission Impossible was decent but not good enough to not burn, as far as the other 2 refer to what you wrote about Collateral.
Ehlan, as a woman if the volleyball scene is tainted isn't the whole movie tainted?
Here are some Pro's that I think you may have missed...
-"..you took it... AND BROKE A MAJOR RULE OF ENGAGEMENT!!!"
-"YEEHAW JESTER'S DEAD!"
-"Take me to bed or lose me forever!"
-Val Kilmer
-Top Gun came out at least 15 years before TC went truly nuts.
In conclusion, whether or not you agree with my pros, I would much rather see you burn TC himself, than Top Gun.
Jer, you do make valid points. I will not shun anyone who doesn't burn Top Gun....maybe just burn the cover and TC's picture.
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